There is a question many relative caregivers quietly carry:
“What if this child doesn’t love me?”
Maybe you’ve felt it when the child in your care pulls away from a hug. Maybe they seem distant, angry, or uninterested in spending time with you. Maybe they talk about their parents with longing or wish things were different.
If you’ve ever wondered about this, you are not alone.
The truth is, many children living with relatives have gone through hard things. They may care about you deeply, but have trouble showing it.
Understanding What the Child May Be Feeling
When children come to live with grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins, it’s usually because their lives have changed in ways they didn’t choose.
Even when moving into your home keeps them safe, they may still feel sadness, confusion, worry, anger, or grief. They may miss people they love. They may wonder why things happened the way they did. They may feel caught between different family members.
Children do not always have the words to explain these feelings. Instead, those feelings often show up in their behavior:
- A child who seems distant may actually be protecting their heart.
- A child who pushes you away may be wondering if you will leave, too.
- A child who acts like they don’t need anyone may have learned that depending on people feels risky.
Their behavior is often less about you and more about what they have experienced.
When Trust Feels Hard
Children build trust when adults meet their needs over and over again. For some children, that happened early in life. For others, it didn’t.
If this child has experienced loss, broken promises, frequent moves, or unpredictable caregiving, trusting someone else – even a family member – can feel scary. They want a connection, but they don’t know how to accept it.
Sometimes children test relationships without realizing they are doing it. Or they may break rules, push limits, or say hurtful things. Underneath those behaviors is often a question:
“Will you still be here tomorrow?”
The answer they need is not found in words alone. They need to experience it through your steady presence.
Love Doesn’t Always Look the Way We Expect
Many caregivers hope for hugs, smiles, and “I love you.” And sometimes that happens early in the relationship. Sometimes it takes much longer. Regardless, it’s important to remember that children often show connection in quieter ways, such as:
- Sitting beside you while you watch television.
- Following you around the house.
- Asking for help with homework or a snack.
- Coming to you when they are hurt, scared, or sick.
These moments matter. Because when children have experienced loss, trust often comes before open expressions of love.
How You Can Help Build Connection
You cannot force a child to trust you or feel close to you. However, you can build a relationship where trust can grow. Here are a few tips:
1. Be steady.
- Children need predictable adults.
- Try to keep routines consistent.
- Follow through on what you say.
- Show up, especially on hard days.
2. Stay calm during difficult moments.
When children are overwhelmed, they need adults who can stay grounded. Your calm presence helps them feel safer.
3. Listen without taking everything personally.
Children may say things that hurt, especially if they are also hurting. They may talk about missing their parents or wishing things were different.
That doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. It often means they are trying to make sense of complicated feelings. Listen and remember, they are not trying to hurt you.
4. Make room for their whole story.
Children should not have to choose between caring about their parents and caring about you. When you allow them to talk openly about their family, they learn that your relationship is strong enough to hold those conversations.
5. Notice small signs of connection.
Connection is often built in everyday moments. These small moments add up over time:
- A shared laugh.
- A short conversation.
- A request for help.
- Sitting together quietly.
Remember to Care for Yourself, Too
Caring for a child who has experienced loss can be emotionally exhausting.
There may be days when you feel unappreciated or discouraged.
That is why it is important to stay connected to supportive friends, family members, cultural traditions, community resources, or caregiver support groups.
You deserve support, too.
A Relationship Worth Building
The child in your home may not always show love in ways that are easy to recognize.
- They may need time to trust.
- They may need time to believe that you are staying.
- They may need time to feel safe enough to let you into their heart.
Your job is not to earn their love or compete with anyone from their past. Instead, your job is to be a steady, caring adult who shows up again and again.
Over time, those daily acts of care help build something powerful: a relationship the child can count on while they are with you and beyond.
And for many children, that safety and connection become one of the greatest gifts a caregiver can offer.