When you are raising a child from your extended family or tribal community, you are giving of yourself in new and challenging ways. Your grandchild (or cousin or nephew) needs you to help them overcome their struggles. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by their needs and put yourself lower on the priority list. However, neglecting to take care of yourself will leave you depleted and put you at risk of burning out. These practical tips can help you start meaningful self-care that refuels and refreshes you to care well for the family that is in your home.
Practical Tips for Self-Care
1. Give Yourself Permission.
Start by telling yourself that you are worthy of care and that it is okay – even good! – to engage in self-care. Some people benefit by saying it out loud, a few times a day, to themselves. Try these short scripts to help you change the messages in your mind.
- I am worth taking care of.
- I will take better care of my family if I learn to care for myself.
- I cannot give to my family what I have not learned to give myself.
- Self-care will make me a better grandparent (or aunt or cousin).
2. Say “No” More Often.
It might be hard to say “no” to activities on your calendar or requests from friends and family. However, it’s an essential part of setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
You can start small by permitting yourself to say “no” to an optional school event. Practice saying no to the easy things before working up to the more important things you get asked to do.
Replace the thing you said “no” to with an activity that fuels you. That can be a walk alone in the park, a coffee date with your best friend, or putting the kids to bed early once a week to give you some downtime.
3. Establish a Routine.
Consistent routines are necessary when raising a child who cannot live with their parents. If you still need to set up a predictable schedule for your home, set one up. This is a form of self-care itself. But it also gives you room to put self-care on the calendar as a routine.
Whether you use an online calendar or an old-fashioned paper one, putting self-care on the calendar provides some accountability for you. If you are a list maker, write your self-care activity or event on your To Do list. If you have a partner or a spouse, be sure to put couple care or date nights on the calendar.
4. Pick One Thing.
Be sure to include one thing daily that you can look forward to within your household’s routine. This could mean going to bed one hour earlier than necessary to enjoy a good book or stream a show. Another idea could be getting up one hour earlier than the kids to have quiet time to enjoy a cup of coffee without someone asking you to do something. The point is to find one thing every day that brings you joy and carve out the time to do it.
5. It’s GOOD to Start Small!
If you are not in the habit of regular self-care, you might have to build up to it in small ways. Here are a few ways to include “small starts” into your routine:
- Enjoy Saturday morning coffee with your partner or by yourself while the kids watch cartoons.
- Go for a walk alone in the park. Bring along your favorite podcast or new music.
- Go to lunch with a friend.
- Watch one movie a week starring your favorite actor until you’ve seen all their work.
- Soak in a hot bubble bath while older kids clean the kitchen (and lower your standards on what you consider “clean”).
- Take one hour every other day to learn a new hobby or pick up a hobby you’ve neglected.
6. Ask for the Help You Need
Raising a child who has experienced trauma is not a task you should do alone. So, whether it’s laundry, a grocery run, or two hours weekly of childcare, ask your network of friends or family for specific help.
This can be a challenge for many caregivers, but giving up some of the tasks you can share with others will give you time to nourish your heart and mind. Asking for help IS self-care. You might have already heard from your friends or family, “If you need anything, please let me know.” Starting the habit of self-care means training yourself to answer them with a concrete task that will help you. For example,
“Oh, I’d really appreciate it if you could run Johnny to soccer practice on Tuesday and Thursday night this week.”
“Really? Because I sure could use a meal on the table Wednesday night since I’ll be down at the children’s hospital all day with Suzy.”
7. Teach Yourself to ACCEPT the Help
Your friends and family might need to hear what you need. When you train yourself to give them specific tasks, you should also commit to taking that help when they come through with it! It sounds silly to say it so bluntly. But if you are used to telling yourself that you can manage things on your own, you must intentionally choose to re-write that message in your mind.
Self-Care is an Investment in Your Whole Family.
Raising a grandchild (or niece, cousin, or family friend) with significant needs is challenging and consuming. But it’s also rewarding and fulfilling. When we invest time to care for ourselves – body, mind, and spirit – we model healthy habits for them. We are giving them the best versions of ourselves that they — and we — deserve.
If you’d like more support for developing healthy self-care listen to this podcast, “Taking Care of Yourself When Parenting Harder to Parent Kids.”