When raising grandchildren (or nieces or nephews), visits with their parents can feel stressful and sticky. There is a history between you and your adult child or family member. Big feelings usually come rushing up for everyone. The challenge is how to help the child navigate these contacts successfully.
7 Tips for Smooth Family Visits
There are many things you can do to set you and your grandchild up for smoother, more pleasant family visits. It might not be possible to implement all of the following tips at every visit. However, if you tackle one or two of these ideas at a time, you can lay a foundation for successful future contacts. “Progress, not perfection” is the goal when it comes to improving these family visits. Remember, if child welfare is involved, you must follow any restrictions or rules they have for visitation.
1. Encourage contact with the parents.
It’s not always possible for your grandchild to stay in contact with their parents. At times, contact may not be in the child’s best interest or may not be allowed if child welfare is involved. However, it’s generally healthy for your grandchild to maintain a relationship with their parents, especially if the parents are working hard to get their child back home.
If meeting in-person isn’t possible, you can encourage contact in other ways. This can include phone calls, video chats, pictures, cards and letters, and texts. Have a conversation with the child about how they might creatively and comfortably connect with their parents. Some kids might enjoy sharing short videos of building a new Lego toy or learning new dance moves with Mom on a Facetime call.
2. Preparation is key.
You can’t control what anyone else does or does not do. You can only manage your emotions and help this child learn how to manage theirs. Make a plan to help your grandchild process their feelings. If there are hard feelings between you and the child’s parents, prepare yourself for those meetings. Try to settle pre-existing issues you may have with the child’s parent in your own heart and mind.
Schedule visits around your grandchild’s schedule. Missing activities that they look forward to will cause added stress about the visits.
Before the visit.
In the days leading up to the visit, encourage your grandchild to talk about their thoughts or feelings. Ask them about their expectations and let them ask questions. Tell the child where the visit will take place, how long it will likely last, and what the plan is for the time together. If it’s applicable, assure them that you’ll be present and will keep them safe. Make sure the child knows you are available to help them process their feelings before, during, and after the visit.
If you are concerned that the child’s parents may not show up for the visit, consider not telling the child in advance. You will have to decide what is best for the child—not being prepared for seeing their mom or dad or being disappointed in not seeing them when they were counting on it.
At the visit.
When it’s time for the visit, keep last-minute instructions to a minimum, especially if you sense that the child is nervous or hesitant. Keep your tone as matter-of-fact. Your sense of calm will help the child feel calm.
When the parent arrives, do your best to let the child and the parent have time together. Try not to require hugs or other affection that they are not ready to offer. Be as kind, courteous, and welcoming as you can be. Avoid saying critical things to the parent in front of the child. Remember that little eyes are watching you and learning from you.
After the visit.
Sometimes, family visits trigger meltdowns and uneasiness for everyone. Be prepared for some regression or challenging behaviors. These may crop up while your grandchild works through big feelings and thoughts after the visit. You might want to plan a quiet day to recover at home without extra responsibilities. Allow some time to reconnect and be present for the child. If the child is in therapy, schedule a session for the day after, to help them process their feelings.
You’ll learn what preparations work best as you spend time together and talk through the emotions that come with family visits. Find what helps the child calm down. Then put it on the calendar as a routine attached to visits.
3. Don’t put the children in the middle.
It can be distressing and confusing for your grandchild to feel like they need to choose between you and their parents. Younger children don’t understand complicated family relationships. Remember that kids who have experienced trauma are typically extra-sensitive to tension. Protect your grandchild as best you can from conflict. And don’t make them feel guilty about spending time with their parents.
4. Communicate and cooperate with the parents.
Even though you probably didn’t plan to be raising kids at this stage of life, do what you can to not let your resentment poison your relationship with the child’s parents. Include the parents and help them feel part of their child’s life with you. Send texts, pictures, or short videos that capture different aspects of their day. Share updates from school, doctor appointments, and social events. Talk with them about the child’s friends, hobbies, or extra-curricular activities. If there are no safety issues to be considered and it is allowed by child welfare (if they are involved), share the child’s school and sports schedules.
5. Make visits part of your routine.
Visits will be less stressful for your grandchild when expectations are clear. Whenever possible, plan the family visits well in advance so you can incorporate them into your regular routine. Talk ahead of time with his parents to be sure everyone’s expectations for visits are clear and calendars are coordinated. For example, set aside Saturday morning as visit day and rotate between mom and dad.
It will also be helpful if what happens in the visits is similar from visit to visit. It’s always most productive and least confusing for the child when all the adults consistently enforce the same expectations. Try to chat with the parents before the first visit to discuss some basic ground rules. For example, the child should know that both Grandma and Mom will enforce basic manners when visiting. The child will get a chance for a re-do when he forgets his manners.
6. Be sensitive to the children’s feelings.
It’s important to talk with the kids about how they feel about parental contact. Even when children look forward to a visit or call, they might still feel uncertain and nervous. They may worry that their parents don’t love them anymore or be afraid they won’t have anything to talk about with Mom or Dad.
Remind them before the visit or phone call that you are “with them.” Reassure them that they are loved by you and by their parents. Some kids might want you to sit with them for phone calls or stay physically close during in-person visits. Others will need to know you are near. Talk together in advance about what they want.
After the call or visit, tell them how proud you are of handling their big feelings or doing a great job with the visit. You can ask them how they think it went and what might be helpful for future visits too. Many kids might not be ready to talk immediately. In that case, be sure to follow-up later.
7. Help the child deal with disappointment.
Inevitably, some visits don’t go well. Kids are unpredictable. Parents sometimes don’t show. You may want to have a backup plan ready. In the face of the child’s disappointment, avoid the temptation to say angry or hurtful things about their parent. It will not make them feel better – instead, it will likely increase her distress and confusion. Once it’s over, you can vent to a trusted friend or your partner if you need to.
Stay Focused on the Child’s Best Interests
You can’t always predict how visits will go. By preparing yourself and your grandchildren, you show the child that you are trustworthy and safe. They should know they have a haven in you. The ultimate goal in parenting these children is to keep their needs and best interests at the forefront of everyone’s mind, even when relationships are messy or challenging
To learn more about supporting parent-child visits, visit these sites: