Often our kids come to live with us after they have experienced a stressful homelife. Children learn to regulate or soothe themselves by watching the adults in their life. Your grandchild’s parents may not have been able to model self-regulation because of their struggles. As a result, the child may not know how to calm themselves down when they feel big emotions like anger or fear. One of the most important things you can do for this child is to help them to learn to soothe themselves in times of stress. These four tips can really help.
Tip #1: Direct Soothing
Just as you would with a newborn, offer direct, soothing comfort when the child feels distressed. For example, when an infant cries, a parent picks the baby up and holds the baby close. When your grandchild calls out from a scary dream or gets his feelings hurt at school, comfort him immediately. Offer hugs and rub his back. Hold him close and respond with words that tell him he is safe and you are there for him.
No matter this child’s age, your immediate and active response shows care for his emotional distress. Some older children prefer that you ask their permission before you touch them. That’s okay – you are modeling respect by asking first. Here are a few examples of direct soothing you can offer your grandchild:
1. Hugs
A warm, firm hug can be grounding and soothing. If this child prefers not to be touched, try a “butterfly hug.” Face each other and mirror each other’s actions by hugging yourselves. Tap your shoulders alternately in a regular rhythm. The tapping provides a sense of grounding too.
2. Weighted blankets or toys
Each child responds differently to weighted blankets and toys. Contact a caseworker, school counselor, or occupational therapist to help you with the pros and cons of weighted blankets, lap pads, or toys. You can learn about for your child here.
3. Showers
A shower can be another tool for direct soothing. For younger children, stay close while they are in the shower. Say out loud how the warm shower might feel to them: calming, relaxing, feeling their worries get washed away. This helps build her emotional language. With an older child, offer your thoughts before and after their shower, like this: “It’s so relaxing to let the hot water stream over my stressed shoulders.”
4. Pets
A family pet provides many soothing, calming benefits! Snuggling the family cat or dog can bring a sense of safety. The repetitive action of stroking their fur can help kids calm down. Some children find other critters more soothing than a typical cat or dog, so talk about it together.
If you are considering getting a pet, do the research and preparation together. Visit a shelter to match the child’s abilities with the appropriate pet. Being able to give and receive unconditional love is healing. Our pets listen without judgment, criticism, or feedback – except for sloppy kisses and more cuddles.
5. Hair play or back rubs
Children often enjoy it when we stroke their heads or twirl their curls. Some kids love back rubs or scratches. Whatever touch they respond well to can be your tool for direct soothing. Use it to regulate emotions together. However, be flexible with this one! If your grandchild doesn’t enjoy physical touch, you might need to work up to it. Otherwise, it will create more emotional distress instead of comfort.
Tip #2: Deep Breathing
Another way to teach self-soothing skills is by practicing deep breathing together. Start learning this skill during calm, peaceful moments. Don’t introduce it when they are melting down in the grocery store. Instead, try one of these breathing techniques after a bedtime story or after a brisk walk:
1. Pizza Breathing
Pretend you are both holding hot pieces of pizza. Bring them close to your faces. Breathe in deeply, catching the “smells” of sauce, hot cheese, and yummy dough. Blow gently on the “slices” to cool them. But don’t blow off the cheese! Repeat until you both feel calm and relaxed. Next time you have a real pizza together, practice breathing (and cooling!) before taking the first bite.
2. Pinwheel or Bubble Breathing
Grab a colorful pinwheel or a bottle of bubbles. If you don’t have either handy, pretend together. (You’ll score big points if you grab bubbles at the dollar store.) The benefit of this type of controlled breathing is the long, slow exhale. It’s also what will get the colors flashing or the bubbles floating.
Take a nice slow breath in together. Make the slow exhale last longer than the inhale. Repeat the cycle several times. Talk about how it feels when your bellies expand and contract. Identify these sensations to help the child connect with awareness of his body.
3. Switch to Deep Belly Breathing
Deep breathing is not natural to many kids and can be hard to teach. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Method to help them learn body and environment awareness.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Method:
Name:
- 5 things you see
- 4 things you feel
- 3 things you hear
- 2 things you smell
- 1 thing you taste
Tip #3: Movement
What movement helps your grandchild burn off excess energy from big feelings? Many kids who cannot soothe themselves will respond well to physical activity. Some kids love the trampoline or biking. Many older kids go running. Some families do yoga or stretching together. Find what works and make it part of your regular routine.
Consider playing catch or rolling a ball back and forth with your grandchild so he can feel the soothing rhythm of back and forth. This activity also teaches healthy back-and-forth communication when you pair it with asking and answering questions.
Tip #4: Calming, Quiet Activities
Creating a safe, peaceful place in your home for your grandchild tells them they matter. Offer them a voice when designing the space. Fill it with things they enjoy – music, coloring books, knitting, soft throws, stuffed animals, and weighted blankets. Encourage them to use the space when calm and relaxed so they learn to love time there. Then, when they are stressed, the area will feel even more soothing.
Consider how to make your family’s common spaces peaceful and calming, too. Try scented candles or essential oils in diffusers to calm the senses. You can also bake, make soup, or cook together to create comforting smells.
Regulating Together Builds Trust
Soothing and regulating with this child helps them experience how good it feels. In turn, they will gain the confidence to try other self-soothing skills that lead to self-regulation. You build trust and safety when you practice these skills with them in times of peace and stress.