A child’s behavior can tell us a lot, even when they don’t have the words to describe what they are feeling. Big reactions, shutting down, trouble following directions, or sudden mood changes may signal that your relative child is overwhelmed, worried, or trying to feel safe. For relatives raising children who have been through difficult experiences, learning to look beneath the behavior can change how you respond—and help build more trust and connection.
Trauma-Responsive Ways to Build Trust and Emotional Safety
These behaviors can be frustrating. But a trauma-responsive approach encourages us to look beyond the behavior and ask: “What might this child be telling me right now?”
Children who have experienced trauma may react to stress with fight, flight, freeze, or other survival responses. What looks like defiance or disobedience may sometimes be a child who feels overwhelmed or unsafe.
Here are six ways you can help.
1. Look for the need behind the behavior.
When this child is having a hard time, it is easy to focus only on stopping the behavior.
Instead, try getting curious.
Ask yourself a few questions to spur your curiosity:
- Is this child tired? Hungry? Thirsty?
- Are they feeling worried? Embarrassed? Overwhelmed by noise or activity?
- Does something about this situation remind them of an earlier hard experience?
You can still have rules and limits. Being trauma-responsive does not mean allowing unsafe or hurtful behavior. It means trying to understand why the behavior is happening so you can respond in a way that teaches and supports the child. Behavior expresses a need or struggle. Your curious response and balance between empathy and boundaries are also important parts of trauma-responsive caregiving.
2. Help the child get calm before you try to teach.
A child who is very upset usually cannot listen, problem-solve, or learn well in that stressful moment. So, start by helping their body calm down.
You might offer a drink of water, a snack, a quiet space, a short walk, some fresh air, or movement such as stretching or jumping. Some children calm down by squeezing a stress ball, chewing gum, wrapping up in a blanket, or listening to music.
Your own body and voice matter, too. Try lowering your voice and slowing down. Try getting down to the child’s eye level.
Instead of saying, “Stop acting like that,” you might say, “I can see this is really hard right now.”
Your calm can help a child find their calm.
3. Make everyday life more predictable.
Children often feel safer when they know what will happen next. Regular routines for waking up, meals, homework, bedtime, and other daily activities can help.
You can also prepare your nephew or niece before something different happens, for example:
“First, we are going to the store. Then we will stop at Grandma’s house. After that, we are coming home.”
Choices can also give children a healthy sense of control. Instead of saying, “Get ready for school,” try: “Do you want to get dressed first or brush your teeth first?”
Small choices can reduce power struggles while still keeping you in charge of what needs to happen.
4. Remember that relationships can be repaired.
No caregiver stays calm all the time. You may get frustrated, raise your voice, or handle a situation differently than you wanted to.
What happens next matters. Go back to this child and reconnect:
“I was frustrated, and I yelled. I’m sorry. I want us to try again.”
Repair teaches children that people can make mistakes and still love each other. It also shows them that relationships do not have to end when something goes wrong.
5. Work with the school, not against it.
Hard experiences can affect how a child pays attention, handles stress, follows directions, and gets along with others at school. Partnering with this child’s teachers and other school staff can help everyone better understand what they can do to help the child succeed in the classroom.
You do not have to share every detail about your family or this child’s history with the school. Share what you think will help teachers support the child, along with the child’s strengths. Don’t be afraid to praise this child to their school staff.
Here are a few extra ideas to support your relative child’s school success from home.
- At home, remember that homework may go better after the child has eaten, moved their body, rested, or had time to reconnect with you.
- Break large assignments into smaller pieces and notice when frustration is getting too high. Sometimes protecting the relationship is more important than finishing one more math problem.
- Maintain a predictable homework routine and space to do that work if you can create one.
6. Make room for connection and play.
Children do not heal by talking about hard experiences alone. They also need regular moments when they can feel safe, connected, and cared for.
Make time for things your kinship child enjoys:
- Play a game.
- Tell stories.
- Cook together.
- Go outside for walks or bike rides.
- Share a family tradition.
- Laugh together often.
Try to bring playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy into everyday moments. Instead of immediately correcting a child, you might wonder aloud: “Something about this seems really hard for you. Can you help me understand?”
Play and connection can give children a safer way to express feelings and strengthen their relationship with you.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Raising a relative’s child when they cannot live safely at home requires patience, support, and a willingness to keep learning. Some days will go better than others.
Reach out when you need help. A teacher, counselor, child’s caseworker, healthcare provider, trusted family member, or other supportive person may be able to help you understand what the child needs. They can also support you.
Most of all, remember that healing often happens through many ordinary moments: keeping your word, showing up again, listening, repairing after a hard day, sharing a laugh, and helping a child know that they belong.
Those small moments of safety and connection can add up.