Raising your relative’s child, whether that’s a grandchild, niece, nephew, or younger sibling, is a powerful choice. You are choosing to keep your family connected. You are choosing to show up with love. But sometimes, the weight of what this child or teen has been through can start to affect you, too.
You may notice it in small ways at first. Feeling more tired than usual. Getting overwhelmed more quickly. Having trouble sleeping. Feeling on edge, or even numb.
This is something many caregivers experience. It’s called secondary trauma stress.
It doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. It means you are human.
What Is Secondary Trauma Stress?
Secondary trauma stress happens when you care deeply for someone who has experienced trauma. Sharing that experience with them, nurturing them, and bearing witness to their pain impacts your heart. Over time, your body and mind may also start to carry some of that stress.
What are the signs of secondary trauma stress?
Here are several of the common signs you should consider:
- Feeling anxious or worried a lot
- Having a shorter temper than usual
- Feeling sad or hopeless or numb
- Having trouble concentrating
- Feeling alone, even when others are around
Sometimes it can feel confusing. You may think, “This child’s traumatic events didn’t happen to me—so why do I feel this way?”
The answer is simple. When you love someone, their pain matters to you.
Why does understanding the signs matter?
If you don’t pay attention to these signs, stress can build up. Over time, it can make caregiving feel harder. It can also affect your health, your sleep, and your relationships.
But here’s the good news: there are ways to take care of yourself while you take care of your child.
“Slow and Steady Wins the Race”
Caring for yourself to stay present and fueled to care for this child is not about doing everything perfectly. It is about taking small, steady steps.
1. Start With Awareness
The first step is noticing. So, pause and ask yourself:
- “How am I really feeling today?”
- “What feels heavy right now?”
- “What do I need, even a little bit?”
You don’t have to answer these questions with a solution or fix everything at once. Just noticing is a strong place to begin.
2. Learn What You’re Dealing With
Understanding trauma can make a big difference. When you learn why children act the way they do, it can feel less personal and consuming. It can help you respond with more calm and confidence.
Learning also reminds you that you are not alone. Many caregivers are walking this same path.
3. Care for Your Body
Your body carries stress. So, taking care of your body matters. These suggestions may sound simple, but they are powerful tools for caring for your whole self:
- Keep up with doctor visits
- Eat regular meals
- Get movement each day, even a short walk
- Rest when you can, including calming nighttime routines
4. Build in Real Self-Care
Self-care is not just something you think about. It’s something you plan. So, try putting it on your calendar, just like any other appointment.
It could be:
- Sitting outside for 10 minutes
- Calling a friend
- Taking a quiet break in your room
- Morning quiet time or evening readings
These small moments count, and keeping your appointments with yourself sends the message that you matter!
5. Set Limits That Protect You
You are allowed to have boundaries. And you don’t have to say yes to everything. You also don’t have to carry everything alone.
Staying focused on your role as a caregiver is your “mission.” Asking yourself these questions can help guide those choices.
- “What truly matters right now?”
- “What can wait?”
- “What can I say no to?”
6. Stay Connected to Other Adults
You were not meant to do this alone. However, you will need to carve out time for the relationships that support you. This might be a friend, a family member, or someone trustworthy in your community. Even short conversations can remind you that you are seen and supported.
7. Find Safe Ways to Express What You Feel
Holding everything inside can make stress grow. Instead, try talking with someone you trust. You can also talk to yourself about the challenges you experience. Name those feelings and tell yourself what you can do to support yourself in that moment.
8. Consider Extra Support
Sometimes, talking with a counselor or therapist can help you sort through what you’re carrying. Remember that therapy is not a last resort. And you don’t need to wait until you are in crisis to find a therapist. Therapy is one more tool in your parenting toolbox that helps you stay strong.
A Gentle Reminder
You are doing important work caring for this child. Their experiences with loss or trauma require your strength, patience, and care to navigate. It’s okay if it also takes a toll sometimes.
Noticing your stress is not a weakness. It is a sign that you care. And caring for yourself is one of the best ways to keep caring for this relative child.