In this community, we value “family” as much bigger than just parents and children. This is one of the most common reasons that grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other relatives step in to help raise a child when the parents can’t. The strength of kinship care helps our children feel a sense of belonging and know they are loved.
However, even in strong families, challenges arise and cause concern for everyone involved. One of the most challenging situations is when one child repeatedly hurts another in the home where they live. We’re talking about harm that is more than typical bickering or sibling rivalry.
Sibling harm can be emotional or physical. It might look like bullying or ugly teasing that cuts deeply, pushing or hitting, embarrassing a sibling in front of others, or crossing lines of privacy. When it happens repeatedly, it affects everyone in the home.
Why Does Sibling Harm Happen?
Many children who cannot live safely with their mom or dad, and now live with relatives, have lived through chaos, loss, or trauma. They may act out with their siblings because:
- They don’t trust adults to keep them safe.
- They feel powerless and try to control others.
- They can’t manage big feelings like anger or fear.
- They learned in their first home that hurting others was “normal.”
This doesn’t mean the child is “bad.” It means they are carrying internal pain they don’t know how to handle.
What Sibling Harm May Look Like
Sibling harm shows up in many ways:
- Emotional harm: name-calling, shaming, or spreading rumors.
- Physical harm: hitting, kicking, pushing, breaking things.
- Control or threats: “Do what I say or else.”
- Crossing boundaries: unwanted touch or invading privacy.
The difference between typical sibling rivalry and sibling harm is that this type of hurting is repeated, one-sided, and meant to control or frighten.
How It Hurts the Child Being Harmed
The child who is being repeatedly harmed may feel unsafe at home. That may show up in some of these ways:
- They live in a state of fear or anger.
- They believe they don’t matter.
- They may struggle with low self-esteem.
- They can develop anxiety, depression, or health problems.
How It Hurts the Child Doing the Harm
It’s vital to remember that this child is hurting too. They are acting on their inner pain, and without your help and support, they may:
- Keep using aggression as they grow up.
- Feel shame and loneliness.
- Struggle to connect with anyone else in healthy ways.
- Bully or try to control others outside the home.
What Caregivers Can Do to Protect and Support Both Children
Both of these children need your presence, understanding, care, and support to heal. Raising kids who hurt others and are hurting is not easy. Here are steps that can help:
1. Safety Comes First
Let every child in the house know: In this home, everyone must be safe and secure.
You may need to arrange for the kids to have separate bedrooms or designate specific times for them to be apart from each other. Be consistent to provide close supervision. Encourage all the family members to speak up if they don’t feel safe.
2. Build Connection
Children who feel seen and valued are less likely to lash out. Try to spend one-on-one time with each child. Tell them often: You are loved. You belong. In our tradition, belonging is a deep strength and core value. We can remind our children that they are never alone when they are part of our family and our tribal community.
3. Look Beneath the Behavior
Ask yourself, “What is my child trying to say with these actions?”
Often, aggression is really a cry for help. The child doesn’t know how to handle the feelings they are carrying. When we respond with curiosity instead of only punishment, we open the door to healing.
4. Stay Calm Yourself
Children take cues from us. If we lose control, they spiral out of control even further. Taking a breath and stepping in calmly to help them work out their big feelings offers them a sense of safety.
5. Teach Them How to Repair Relationships
When sibling harm happens in our homes, punishment alone isn’t enough. We must guide the child through repair:
- Admit what they did.
- Take responsibility.
- Offer a sincere apology.
- Do a small act of kindness to make it better.
- Allow the harmed child to choose when they are ready to forgive.
This process, repeated over and over, fosters empathy and accountability in the child causing harm. And it offers a sense of control to the child who was harmed.
6. Handle Everyday Conflicts
Sometimes, both kids are at fault. Sometimes, the conflict is typical sibling bickering or disagreement. Handle those cases matter-of-factly and use them as opportunities to learn conflict resolution:
- Calm down first.
- Share feelings using “I” statements.
- Repeat back what the other said to show understanding.
- Brainstorm solutions together.
- Agree on a plan and move forward.
7. Strengthen Their Identity and Pride
Provide each child with opportunities to shine through sports, crafts, music, or community service. For Native children, cultural traditions such as dance, storytelling, and learning our language can help build pride and connection.
When children believe I am good at something and I belong here, they are less likely to hurt or be hurt.
Keep Moving Toward Healing
Sibling harm is serious and challenging to manage. But it doesn’t have to define your family’s story. You can be an instrument of healing for both children. It takes steady love, clear boundaries, and repeated messaging of, “You matter. You belong. You are safe here.”
In many relative caregiving families, relying on extended family, other kinship-led families, cultural traditions, and community support can help continue to build your family’s strength. And when you all focus on safety, connection, and guidance, your relative children can grow past harmful patterns and into healthier, more loving relationships.