When a child in your extended family can’t live with their parents, it often falls to someone like you—a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or cousin—to step in and offer the safety, love, and stability they need. Bringing this child into your home is a powerful act of care. But it also brings big changes for everyone involved—especially the child.
Welcoming This Child Today Sets the Tone for The Days Ahead
Whether they’re a toddler or a teen, the early days in your home can shape how safe and welcome this child will feel while they are in your care. There are significant ways you can help ease the stress and increase their sense of security.
1. Start With Connection
Children who come to live with relatives often carry deep emotional wounds. These wounds can be from the trauma of abuse or neglect, and other times they are hurt simply by being separated from their parents even when it’s in their best interest to live apart for now. Even though this child may know you, living with you is different. It can bring up a lot of mixed emotions.
Focus first on helping the child feel emotionally safe. This might mean:
- Giving them space to settle in slowly
- Letting them bring their favorite blanket, toy, or pillow
- Offering comfort through small, steady routines—like eating together or saying goodnight the same way every night
A grandmother said it this way, “We didn’t talk about what happened at first. We just sat on the porch swing most evenings until my granddaughter started feeling more at home. The swing became our safe spot.”
Creating and strengthening connection doesn’t require big, fancy plans. It starts with being present, listening, and showing this child you’re there for the long haul.
2. Respect Their Story
These children may have already lived in multiple homes or been exposed to adult conversations and tough experiences they weren’t ready for. They might not trust easily. And even though you are family, they might feel unsure about how they fit into your household.
Try not to take it personally if they don’t warm up quickly or seem angry or distant – it’s common for older kids and teens to respond this way. Younger children may also be clingy and whiny. Patiently, consistently offer compassion and respect for what they’ve experienced thus far whenever you can.
- Don’t press them to talk about their past.
- Give them choices when you can (what to wear, what snack to eat, etc.).
- Honor their culture, family ties, and traditions—even if they differ from yours.
- Offer opportunities to decorate their space, display family photos, etc.
- Invite them to participate in community events to build a sense of belonging.
3. Prepare Your Home and Your Heart
You don’t need to have the perfect home, just a welcoming one. Focus on making them feel safe and comfortable and demonstrate how much they matter to you.
Try to set up a space that is just theirs, even if they are sharing a room. Stock up on age-appropriate essentials like toothbrushes, school supplies, and pajamas. Offer them an opportunity to pick out a few small items themselves—like a favorite cereal or stuffed animal.
At the same time, prepare your heart for this transition! Kids who’ve experienced loss or trauma may test limits or push you away. Remember: their behavior is how they express fear, grief, or confusion. It’s not a reflection of your love or effort so try not to take their challenging behaviors personally.
4. Create Predictable Routines
Routines help children feel safe, especially when their world was unpredictable. You don’t need to schedule every minute. But creating a basic structure to the day, like wake-up time, mealtimes, chores, and bedtime, will help reduce anxiety and improve behavior.
For example, one uncle shared, “When my nephew moved in, he didn’t know when the next meal was coming or where he’d be sleeping. We made a simple schedule with pictures on the fridge so he could see what to expect every day.”
Consistency builds trust, and over time, it makes correction and cooperation easier on all of you.
5. Set Gentle, Clear Expectations
Even though you are family, this child may not know your household rules or routines. Don’t assume anything. They need to hear them and see them lived out, clearly and kindly. For example:
- In this house, we speak to each other with respect.
- We eat dinner together when possible.
- You don’t have to talk about anything you’re not ready to share.
Try to remember that challenging behaviors are usually how this child is expressing a need. So, avoid punishing behaviors that may be rooted in fear or grief. Instead, correct with compassion. If a child lashes out or withdraws, ask yourself what may be happening under the surface or what they may feel they need.
6. Keep the Child at the Center and Include Their Parents When Possible
When it’s safe and appropriate, staying connected with the child’s parents—your relative—can help the child feel less torn between people they love. Your role isn’t to replace their parent. Rather, you are offering a stable place of care while keeping the child’s relationships, identity, and emotional well-being in mind.
- Encourage the child to draw pictures, write letters, or send messages to their parents.
- Share photos or school updates with the parents if it’s safe and allowed.
- Include parents in school events or doctor appointments (even by phone).
- Speak respectfully about the parent, even when you’re frustrated with them.
- Honor this child’s loyalty to their parent(s).
If it isn’t safe to have direct contact, you can still speak with compassion and help the child process their feelings through stories, art, or gentle conversation.
7. Don’t Do It Alone
Raising a relative’s child can be deeply rewarding but also exhausting. Your energy, finances, and emotional bandwidth may already be stretched thin. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Lean on people who “get it,” such as:
- Other kinship caregivers
- School counselors or local social workers
- Parenting support groups
- Faith communities or tribal leaders
Many communities, including the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians, offer programs to support caregivers like you. Whether it’s legal help, food assistance, parenting tools, or a listening ear, you deserve support too.
8. Lead With Love and Patience
Children don’t heal on a set timeline. Some attach quickly; others may need months or years before they fully trust again. You don’t need to be perfect—just consistent, patient, and kind.
Even when it’s hard, your role matters. You are not “just” filling in. You are the bridge to this child’s future, the steady hand that shows them they are not forgotten.
Your Presence is Powerful
You are part of a long tradition of family stepping up for family. Your care makes all the difference for this child. It’s not easy, and it may take time to see the impact of your steady presence. But the love, safety, and consistency you offer matter more than you may ever know. Even in the hard moments, remember that showing up, day after day, is one of the most powerful gifts you can give this child.