Raising a relative child is likely not something you planned for this stage of your life. Your relatives (adult children, cousins, siblings) struggle to manage parenting independently, and stepping in to support them feels like the right thing for everyone who loves this child. However, working with this child’s adults has been more challenging than you anticipated. Co-parenting is hard enough. But when you consider how to co-parent with someone who is struggling with addiction, mental health issues, or intellectual disabilities, the “hard” has doubled or tripled itself!
Tips for Co-Parenting with Parents Who Struggle with Addiction, Mental Health, or Intellectual Disabilities
These tips can help you learn how to work together to support the child’s parents while keeping the child’s best interests at the center of your efforts.
Tip #1: Educate yourself.
You can start by learning more about these parents’ specific challenges. If you know they are battling addiction, learn about Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn about the signs and symptoms of use, the risks for other health issues, and relationship challenges for those around a person with a Substance Use Disorder. Educate yourself about the disease model of addiction. Addiction is a chronic cycle, part of which includes relapses.
Consider that people abuse substances for many reasons, including lack of supportive relationships, unresolved trauma, lack of understanding about the risks, and more. There’s also a strong genetic component to addiction, and you can learn about how to support the child in your home to help them avoid the issues as they grow.
When a parent struggles with mental health or an intellectual disability, learn about their diagnoses and research what the symptoms or signs of struggle may be and what resources are available to help you support them. When there is no diagnosis, or you aren’t sure what is going on, consider reaching out to the child’s pediatrician or school counselor for resources to help you learn the risks and resources that will help you support the child.
When you take the time to learn about mental health issues, addiction, and intellectual disabilities, let the information develop empathy in you for this parent. Treating these parents with compassion, respect, and empathy can model grace for this child and set a tone for how others treat the parents. Empathy will also be a tremendous guide in navigating the relationship with these parents.
Tip #2: Understand the child’s challenges.
Emotional Health and Well-Being
Every child is different, but kids whose parents struggle with these challenges may struggle to form healthy attachments. The unpredictability, neglect, or abuse can make it significantly challenging to trust adults. They may not know what “safe” and “unsafe” feel and look like.
Children of adults who struggle with Substance Abuse Disorder, mental health issues, or intellectual disabilities may also struggle in school. Again, if they are unsure what “safe” feels like, their brains cannot turn off their warning systems, and learning will be far more challenging.
This child may also be unsure of who they are and where they belong. They may not see themselves as valued or struggle to form healthy self-identity. Many kids blame themselves for their parents’ challenges and make that mean they are somehow inadequate or unworthy of love. It’s also common for these kids to struggle to develop healthy emotional regulation, resulting in frequent tantrums, meltdowns, rage, and other challenging behaviors. Of course, these challenges also impact their school experience.
Confusing, Mixed Emotions
Kids whose parents struggle with the challenges of addiction, mental health, etc., commonly have mixed feelings about their parents. For example, kids are often angry and confused that their parents “chose” the substances over caring for them. But they also love this parent and want to go home.
You may find these mixed emotions challenging to understand. After all, if the child is unsafe, of course, the child must not remain in that environment. So, consider how confusing it is for this child to love Mom and Dad but also be hurt and angry.
It’s vital that while you have this child in your home, you find ways to speak and show honor and respect for the child’s parents. Kids deserve to love and respect their parents. Right now, they may need your help and support. That parent/child bond should be protected as much as possible without endangering or lying to the kids. They only get one mom and dad. Regardless of the challenges and setbacks, the child must see and hear you honoring that.
Children frequently fear that they will inherit their parents’ addiction, mental health disorder, or Intellectual/Developmental Disabilities. They may be afraid – or hear others say – that they will turn out to be “just like them.” Talk honestly with this child – at an age-appropriate level – about what they fear, what others have said, etc. Help them break down their fears about their parents’ challenges with facts you have learned when educating yourself.
Empower with Education
Talk with tweens and teens about preventative strategies they can practice to avoid their parents’ struggles. Empower all the children in your home with healthy stress management tools, coping strategies for big emotions, and tools for resisting peer pressure. You can role-play scenarios where this child might be approached about using substances, drinking, or engaging in risky behaviors. Suggest resources for these young people to educate themselves about addiction and the related health risks.
Ensure this child knows you are always available to help them escape a risky situation and will always help them solve a problem. Your presence in their life is a significant buffer against these challenges.
Tip #3: Set boundaries with birth parents.
Suppose you have this child in your home through your tribal foster system. In that case, the caseworker should guide the expectations for communication and visits. When the child is in your care outside of formal foster care, you can work with the child’s parents and other crucial adults to set up guidelines for contact.
You must set clear expectations with this child’s parents about how, when, and how often they can communicate with and visit their child. Part of those expectations should include what happens when parents fail to follow those guidelines. Remember, the guidelines should keep the child’s best interests centered for all adults involved. Some guidelines to consider could include:
- What to do if a parent shows up high or drunk
- What happens if a visit must be canceled
- Where (or if) in-person visits will happen
For example, suppose a parent shows up for a visit, and they are high. In that case, they should already know that the guideline is to end the visit immediately and reschedule. It’s a good idea to always have a backup plan if a parent fails to show up for a visit. This can devastate a child, so planning an alternative activity that they will enjoy and keep them engaged is essential.
Tip #4: Care for the child, care for yourself.
It’s so hard for kids whose parents struggle with Substance Abuse Disorder, mental health issues, or intellectual disabilities. They don’t always have the maturity or skills to process all the big emotions they may have. Consider caring for this child practically by getting them professional help. There are many types of age-appropriate creative therapies, such as art, music, and play therapy, to help them learn to talk about their feelings. For older youth, counseling, safe mentors, and role-playing various scenarios may help them learn coping strategies to process their feelings and how to navigate a relationship with their parents.
Establishing and maintaining a consistent, predictable routine at home can build this child’s sense of trust and felt-safety between you. Suppose their home life was particularly chaotic or unpredictable. In that case, they may need extra support to relearn daily life skills like personal hygiene, healthy eating, and sleeping habits. You can also enroll them in extra-curricular activities to help build relationships, resilience, and self-advocacy skills.
When you are all home together, cultivate an environment of peace and trust so they feel safe to explore their feelings. There are also support groups, such as Al-Anon/Aateen, that can provide an outlet for understanding and expression.
Please don’t forget to create space to talk about your feelings, too! Find a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group for yourself to express your feelings. Take breaks and lean on your support network when you need it to be the best support for this child.
#5: Collaborate.
Everyone in this child’s life needs to be united in how to best support them. This child’s team includes case workers, counselors/therapists, parents, extended family, community resources, and school professionals. Be open to collaborating with their parents to arrange visits and communication at times that best accommodate their needs, not only yours. Above all, all parties should be able to listen to the child’s voice to allow it to shape how the relationship with their parents unfolds.
When you welcome your grandchild, nephew, or other relative child to your home, the child experiences a loss. While living with you ensures safety and protection for the child, the stress of the parent’s addiction, mental health issues, or intellectual/developmental disabilities takes a toll on this child. It takes a toll on the parents. And you’ve added new layers of responsibility to your shoulders.
Understanding how these issues impact all of you, supporting the child to heal while the parents get on their feet again, and navigating relationships while you all do it can pave the way to better outcomes for this child.