Many families find that one adult becomes the “go-to” caregiver for difficult moments. Whether it’s bedtime, school struggles, big emotions, or behavior challenges, one person often ends up carrying most of the responsibility. Over time, that can leave everyone feeling frustrated, tired, and disconnected from one another.
Sometimes a spouse, partner, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or another trusted adult wants to help but isn’t sure what to do. Other times, one caregiver ends up doing most of the work while others step back. When that happens, stress and frustration can build quickly between the adults in the home.
The good news is that there are ways to work together and share the load.
It’s Usually Not About Bedtime
Many disagreements between caregivers seem to be about bedtime, homework, chores, or behavior problems. But often those aren’t the real issue.
One caregiver may be feeling overwhelmed. Another may feel criticized or unsure how to help. Sometimes, both adults care deeply about the child but have different ideas about what the child needs.
When caregivers focus on the real problem rather than the daily struggle, it becomes easier to work together.
Look for What’s Underneath the Conflict
When one caregiver is doing most of the parenting, it’s easy to assume another adult doesn’t care or isn’t trying.
But often, there is more going on: overwhelm, lack of understanding, fear, lack of confidence, a lack of strategies to help, and more.
Understanding what is underneath the conflict between you can help your family move from blame to problem-solving.
1. Talk during calm moments.
Conversations about parenting work best when everyone is calm. Try not to bring up frustrations during an argument or in the middle of a difficult moment with a child.
Instead, find a quiet time to talk with your partner, spouse, or co-parent.
Focus on your feelings rather than blame.
Instead of saying, “You never help,” try saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I could use more support during the bedtime routine.”
This approach makes it easier for others to listen and work with you.
2. Try to talk about what you need rather than what the other person is doing wrong.
For example:
- “I need more support during difficult evenings.”
- “I miss feeling like we’re handling this together.”
- “I need some time to recharge so I can keep showing up for our nephew.”
3. Share the responsibilities.
You do not have to divide every task equally. The goal is to make sure one person is not carrying everything alone. Start by thinking about the daily routines in your home:
- Maybe one caregiver helps with meals while another handles bedtime.
- Maybe one person helps with homework while another manages transportation.
Even small contributions can make a big difference. So focus on one or two tasks and build from there.
4. Learn together.
Children who have experienced trauma often need a different parenting approach than what many adults grew up with.
Learning together helps everyone understand the child’s needs and respond similarly. When you learn together, you can also develop a shared understanding of what this child needs and how to provide it.
- Reading an article together.
- Watching a training or webinar.
- Attending a support group.
- Participating in caregiver training.
5. Make a Simple Family Plan
It can help to create a simple plan for your grandchild’s routines and needs. Have a conversation and include:
- What helps this child calm down?
- What situations tend to be difficult?
- Who will handle different responsibilities?
- How can we support one another during stressful moments?
Having a plan and giving each other permission to flex or edit the plan will reduce confusion and help you both stay on the same team.
6. Build a relationship with this child during good times.
Children often respond best to adults they feel connected to. Encourage your partner, spouse, or other caregiver to spend time with the child during calm, enjoyable moments. Building a strong relationship during good times often helps carry you through harder moments.
Consider these types of bonding activities:
- Playing a game.
- Fishing.
- Taking a walk.
- Reading together.
- Cooking a meal.
- Working on a craft.
7. Make time for yourself.
Remember, caregivers need support too. Even though it might sound trite to say, you cannot pour from an empty cup. When one of you is constantly running on empty, resentment can grow. Taking turns supporting one another is not selfish. It helps the entire family stay healthier and stronger.
Start small. For example, whenever possible, give each other breaks. Even short breaks can help reduce stress and improve patience. One caregiver might watch the children while another takes a walk, visits a friend, attends a support group, or enjoys some quiet, alone time.
8. Care for your other adult relationships, too.
When your children have high needs, it’s easy to spend all your time talking about schedules, appointments, and problems. However, you will be refueled and supported when you try to make time for the important adults in your life. A sturdy network of healthy adult relationships creates a stronger support system for your whole family.
- Share a meal.
- Plan a Girls’ Night or Guys’ Night.
- Meet at the park to talk.
- Watch a favorite movie or two.
- Schedule regular walks together.
9. Celebrate the wins!
Progress may come slowly. It might also come in small moments. Notice and celebrate the good moments – whenever you see them:
- Maybe bedtime went a little smoother.
- Maybe a caregiver stayed calm during a difficult situation.
- Maybe a child accepted comfort from a new trusted adult.
These small successes matter. And they remind everyone that healing and growth happen one step at a time.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Children do best when the adults around them work as a team. The goal is not for everyone in your house to parent the same way.
The goal is for all the safe adults caring for this child also to feel supported, respected, and connected as you work together to meet the child’s needs.