Raising a relative’s child is an opportunity to lead them toward healing and to give them access to your family’s culture, history, values, and love. Because you care deeply, it can hurt when a child talks back, uses a sharp tone, or responds with sass. You may feel frustrated, confused, or unsure of what to do next.
Practical Strategies to Handle Backtalk and Disrespect
These simple, practical tools will help you handle verbal disrespect with more confidence. These will also support you as you care for a child who may still be healing from past hurts or adjusting to a new home.
1. Understand What Might Be Behind the Words
Children and teens speak disrespectfully for many reasons, and it is not always defiance. Often, the behavior comes from an unmet need or a hard feeling they cannot express. Many kids raise their voices or act out because they feel disconnected, unsafe, stressed, or weighed down by past experiences. Some children learned to protect themselves in chaotic or unpredictable homes and may still use those habits even in a safer place.
Before reacting, ask yourself:
- Are they tired, hungry, or overwhelmed?
- Do they feel unheard or disconnected from you right now?
- Are past hurts or fears being triggered?
Understanding the roots of the behavior can help you respond calmly and with more patience.
2. Build a Connection First
When children feel connected, safe, and valued, they are less likely to act out. Strong relationships reduce disrespect because kids feel seen and understood.
Try these quick connection habits:
- Spend 10 minutes each day talking about something they enjoy—music, games, sports, or school.
- Pause what you’re doing, make eye contact, and say, “I’m glad we have this time.”
- Think of each joyous moment as a “connection coin” that fills their “relationship meter.”
When you build a habit of connection, the child is more willing to accept correction later. They know you are on their side.
3. Set Clear Boundaries and Respond Calmly
Connection is a meaningful priority, but children also need limits. Verbal disrespect should not be ignored. A calm, clear response shows that communication can be firm without being hurtful.
Steps you can take:
- Stop and make eye contact.
- Say: “When you talk to me like that, you are being disrespectful. I will not accept that.”
- Add: “I care about you. I will listen. But I expect respect.”
- Keep it short. Long lectures often make things worse.
- If needed, give a calm consequence such as a short break or loss of a privilege.
By separating the child from the behavior, you protect both the relationship and the boundary.
4. Prevent Triggers and Teach Better Words
Verbal disrespect often appears when a child’s “tank” is empty. They may be hungry, tired, frustrated, or unable to express strong emotions. You can help prevent disrespect by meeting basic needs and teaching communication skills.
What helps:
- Create transitions. Give warnings like: “Five minutes until screen time is over.”
- Name feelings: “It looks like you’re upset,” or “You seem left out.”
- Role-play respectful talk. Practice saying, “I’m upset because…” instead of yelling.
- Praise effort. Point out when they use better words: “Thanks for telling me you were frustrated.”
- Build steady routines. Predictable days help kids feel safe and less reactive.
5. Five Steps to Put the Brakes on Backtalk
These five steps offer a simple plan for addressing disrespect in the moment.
- Own your role – Notice your tone. If you give many commands, the child may push back.
- Pay attention – Make sure their “attention basket” is filled by spending positive time together.
- Refer to the rules – Be clear about what respectful talk looks like in your home.
- Keep your cool – If the child is talking back, say, “I’ll talk with you when both of us are calm,” then step away.
- Give choices – Offer options you can live with, such as: “Would you like to do homework before or after snack?” Choices give the child a sense of control and reduce power struggles.
6. When Disrespect Continues: Ask for the Backstory
If a child continues to talk back, it may mean they don’t know how to ask for help or express a feeling. Instead of giving more consequences, get curious. You can use these steps to build problem-solving skills and emotional regulation:
- Choose a calm moment and say, “I noticed you called me a name earlier. Can you tell me what you were thinking?”
- Ask gentle questions: “What were you feeling? What were you hoping would happen?”
- Respond with understanding: “I get that you were feeling ____, but talking like that won’t work.”
- Teach the skill: “If you feel ____, you can say ____ instead.”
- Invite them to try again: “Let’s try that again in a more respectful way.”
7. Use Culture, Values, and Community Supports
Your family traditions, values, and stories can be powerful tools. A simple phrase like “In our family, we speak with respect” sets a clear expectation.
Community supports, such as the trainings and resources on this site or from other kinship caregiver networks, can also offer guidance and encouragement. You do not have to do this alone.
8. Be Kind to Yourself
Caring for a child who talks back or uses harsh words can be exhausting. You may question your abilities or feel discouraged. Remember: change takes time. When you model calm, compassion, and consistency, the child slowly learns to do the same.
Be sure to:
- Take breaks when you need them.
- Talk with other caregivers.
- Notice small moments of progress both you and this child experience!
9. One-Week Action Plan
Use this simple plan to build new habits and reset the tone in your home.
- Day 1–2: Spend 10 minutes each day connecting one-on-one.
- Day 3: Set one clear expectation, such as, “If you talk back, we will pause and talk later.”
- Day 4: Teach a new feeling word, like “frustrated.”
- Day 5: Use 5- and 10-minute transition warnings.
- Day 6: When sass happens, pause and say, “We’ll talk once we’re calm.”
- Day 7: Celebrate any small success, whether it’s your calm response or their respectful words.
Behavior Is Communication
When a child talks back, they are often trying to express something they cannot say clearly. Your calm responses teach them new skills and show them they are safe, cared for, and supported. With patience and connection, your home can grow in peace, respect, and trust.