When you step in to raise your relative’s child, as an auntie, grandmother, older cousin, or another trusted family member, you give that child something priceless: safety, steadiness, and love. But most of these kids also have others who care deeply about them. Their parents, another grandparent, or even family friends often want to stay involved and support the child in whatever ways they can.
This can be a gift… and sometimes a challenge.
Start with What the Child Needs Most
Families in our tribal community, like many families everywhere, often work best when we lean on each other. However, even in the most loving, supportive family, people can have different ideas about visits, boundaries, or the child’s needs. You might feel pulled between protecting the child and keeping relationships steady and peaceful.
When those differences come to light and emotions run high, it helps to pause and ask:
“What helps the child feel safe, calm, and loved right now?”
This question can guide you through sticky situations like unexpected visits, tense conversations, or disagreements about routines.
Every child does better when the adults around them show steadiness. Even if others struggle, your calm and consistency give the child roots. And when the goal of supporting this child stays clear and consistent, conversations with their parents or other relatives usually go more smoothly.
Set Respectful Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls. They are tools that keep relationships healthy and predictable. Setting clear boundaries also helps relatives know how to stay involved in ways that truly support the child.
Keeping the boundaries short, calm, and steady works better than long explanations or arguments. With time, many relatives appreciate having clear expectations.
Here are simple examples of boundaries you could create:
Visit schedules
“Let’s plan visits for Saturday afternoons. That helps keep the week steady for the child.”
No surprise drop-ins
“Please call before stopping by. It helps me prepare the child so they aren’t surprised.”
Safety rules:
“We can’t have visits today if anyone has been drinking or using drugs. Let’s choose another time.”
Phone contact
“Evening calls need to end by 7:30 so we can stick to bedtime.”
Be Ready for Unexpected Moments
Sometimes a parent or family member shows up without warning. Maybe they’re excited, worried, or they miss the child and want to see them right away.
You can prepare yourself ahead of time by thinking through a few things:
- Will you open the door or talk through the screen?
- What will you say if the person is upset?
- What safety rules must be followed before contact?
A calm response can sound like: “I can see you want to visit. Today isn’t a good time, but we can plan for Saturday.”
If the person is not in a safe state of mind: “Today won’t work. I’ll call you tomorrow so we can set a different time.”
Then follow through. This shows the child and the adults who love them that you are steady and fair.
Invite Others Into Helpful Roles
Many extended family members want to help but don’t always know how. You don’t have to carry everything alone. You can offer small, safe ways for them to be part of the child’s world.
For example:
- A parent might read a bedtime story on video once a week.
- A grandparent might attend school events or help with rides.
- A cousin might play outside with the child or help with homework.
- A family friend might bring over art supplies or help with projects.
These roles allow others to show care while still respecting your home’s routines and boundaries. They also show the child that they are surrounded by people who love them.
Create an Intentional Mindset
Even when things are complicated, many relatives share the same hope that this child will grow strong, stable, and connected. When talking with parents or family members, a simple reminder helps bring everyone back to your core intentions: “We all care about this child. Let’s work together so they feel supported.”
This approach lowers defensiveness and keeps conversations focused on the child, not old hurts, tensions, or disagreements. Try these small steps to build teamwork and trust:
- Share a photo or positive update once in a while.
- Ask for input on something small: “What was her favorite snack when she was little?”
- Notice progress: “I can tell you’re working hard. Thank you for showing up today.”
Give Children Simple, Honest Explanations
Kids sense more than we think. Honest, gentle explanations help them stay grounded. Children do best when they aren’t asked to carry adult worries. Keeping your words calm and respectful protects their hearts.
- “Your mom loves you. I’m taking care of you while she works on some things.”
- “Your dad couldn’t visit today, but we will set up another time.”
- “It’s okay to miss people. It’s okay to feel happy here, too.”
Lean on Community and Support
Caring for your grandchild, niece, or nephew while managing these other relationships can be exhausting. You deserve support, too. Consider reaching out to someone who will understand your challenges and be encouraging and supportive:
- A trusted friend or neighbor
- A community elder
- A kinship caregiver group
- A counselor or caseworker
- School staff who know the child well
Remember, You’re Not Doing This Alone
Raising a relative child is a powerful expression of love. Even when family relationships are complicated, many hands joined together can still lift a child higher.
When you set boundaries, invite others to help, and keep this child at the center of every decision, you create a circle of support that allows the child to grow with confidence and connection. You are giving this child the gift of stability and forging a path forward that is rooted in love, family, and belonging.