Does this sound familiar? Your grandchild starts yelling, crying, or storming off in the middle of the grocery store. Your heart starts racing, and you feel like all eyes are on you! Do you need better tools to handle your grandchild’s or other relative child’s tantrums, rages, or meltdowns?
Meltdowns Can Be a Sign of Feeling Stuck
When this child has a meltdown at home or out in public, it can shake your confidence and sense of peace. But, please pause to consider your internal state and remember that this child is likely feeling much worse than that inside. The tantrums, rages, and other big emotional outbursts don’t mean your grandchild is “bad.” Often, it means their bodies and minds are overwhelmed and stuck there.
Many children who don’t live with their mom or dad anymore are carrying heavy stress. They’ve had significant loss, change, or other hard experiences. Their nervous system can get stuck on high alert, like a drum that won’t stop beating. It’s scary, confusing, and can lead to big expressions of those feelings, like rage and tantrums.
Strategies to Manage Big Outbursts
When those outbursts happen, they aren’t trying to give you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. These strategies can help your child calm down and help you keep your balance, too.
1. Build Connection Every Day
Think of your relationship with your grandchild as a basket you weave together every day. Every shared laugh, every gentle word, every story adds another strong strand.
Spend a few minutes each day doing something that fills both your spirits — cooking together, walking along the river, or sharing stories from your childhood. Those small moments remind your child: “I am loved. I am safe.” When you do spend this time together, say something like,
“I love spending this time with you. You always make me laugh.”
When tough times come, that trust becomes your most potent medicine.
2. Create Calm Spaces
Everyone in your home needs a place to breathe and reset. Try creating a calming space in your home to use as a reset or comfort, not as punishment. Maybe it’s a quiet corner with a blanket and a favorite stuffed animal. It could be a soft chair facing a window. Add headphones with gentle music, or a doodle pad for drawing.
Before your relative child gets upset, teach them how to use it:
“When you start to feel mad or sad, this is a place you can go to feel better.”
You can also make a small calm-down kit for the car — snacks, water, or something soft to hold for the days you are on the go.
3. Keep Life Simple and Predictable
Most families of school-aged kids lead hectic, fast-paced lives. However, this pace is hard on kids who need time to process or who have experienced a lot of chaos or change. Too many activities or choices can make them feel out of control.
Try to slow things down and keep daily and weekly routines steady. Offer just a couple of clear options:
“Do you want spaghetti or tacos tonight?”
“Would you rather do homework before or after supper?”
When children know what’s coming, they feel safe — and safety builds peace.
4. Meet Basic Needs First
Before you expect calm behavior, check the basics. Meeting these needs early helps prevent blow-ups later:
- Are they hungry?
- Thirsty?
- Tired?
- Overstimulated (too much noise, light, movement, etc.)?
Also, notice what tends to set them off. Maybe transitions, crowds, or teasing are hard for them. Make a plan together:
“If you start to feel upset at the store, what can we do to help?”
5. Teach and Practice Calming Skills
You can teach your child ways to calm their body before things get rough. Practice these together when everyone is relaxed — not during the meltdown!
6. Make a Plan for Big Feelings
Work with your grandchild to create an “escalation plan” — what they will do when emotions start rising. For example, create a hand signal or code word that means, “I need a break.”
If your tween or teen feels angry during an argument, offer them the opportunity to step outside for 5 minutes or into another room to cool off.
To build this skill, make sure you practice the plan when everyone’s calm:
“If you feel too mad to talk, what can you do? Let’s practice your signal.”
When both of you know the plan, it’s easier to stay respectful and calm.
7. Stay Calm During the Storm
When your niece or nephew melts down, your calmness helps them find theirs. This is called co-regulation — your steady energy helps their nervous system settle down. This video is a great explainer.
Speak softly and use short phrases. Sometimes just being nearby is enough.
“I can see you’re really upset. I’m here. You’re safe.”
Avoid long talks in the heat of the moment. Instead, gently remind them of the tools you’ve practiced:
“Want to go to your calm spot?”
“Let’s take a sip of water.”
“Push the wall with me.”
8. Reflect and Reconnect
Once everyone is calm — maybe later that day — talk about what happened. Keep it kind and short:
“That was hard earlier. I liked how you took a break instead of yelling. What could we try next time?”
If things didn’t go as planned, adjust together. And always reconnect with love — a hug, a smile, or time together.
“I’ll always love you, even when things are tough.”
9. Take Care of Yourself
Parenting through meltdowns is hard work. Don’t walk this road alone. Talk with your caseworker, doctor, or local mental health provider if you need support. In Cherokee tradition, balance means caring for your mind, body, and spirit. When you take care of yourself, you teach your child to do the same.
Managing Big Feelings Takes Your Love and Strength
Managing a child’s tantrums, rages, and other big feelings takes patience, love, and a strong heart. Every meltdown is a chance to build trust, practice calm, and strengthen your bond. So, take a deep breath, show yourself grace, and remember: when one family finds balance, the whole community grows stronger.
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