As a grandparent, aunt, or other relative raising a tween or teen, your mindset matters more than you may ever realize. You are not just their caregiver — you are also a role model. Your inner attitude influences how well this young person grows into a confident, responsible adult.
Keeping a Strong, Supportive Mindset to Raise This Tween or Teen
1. Keep Your Mind Clear and Strong
Understanding your own history is key. If you’ve experienced loss, trauma, or complicated family patterns, this may affect how you react to this child’s challenging behaviors or attitudes.
Seeking support from a friend, counselor, or caregiver support group can help you maintain a balanced approach to guide your grandchild with clarity and compassion. This is your foundation.
2. Focus on Their Story, Not Yours
Tweens and teens are in the thick of figuring out who they are. That includes separating from caregivers. Especially for kids who cannot live safely with their parents and now live with relatives, that process can bring extra layers of identity questions.
Their mood swings or pull-away behavior likely isn’t about you personally; instead, it’s a normal step toward independence. Stay calm inside, and remind yourself their journey is theirs, not yours.
3. Hold the Long View
You might feel frustrated in the heat of the moment when they roll their eyes or when they spend the whole day on their phone instead of participating in the household rhythms. Remember that their development is a marathon, not a sprint.
Small daily steps, such as asking how their day went or gently reminding them to clean up after themselves, will add up to robust preparation for adulthood. In the meantime, support their identity, help them find purpose, and model respect for your community and family values. You may not see growth right now, but over time, they will flourish.
4. Model Respect, Calm, and Openness
Your inner state becomes a lesson for them, even without you saying a word of instruction. When you stay calm rather than reacting in anger, you teach emotional regulation. If you ask questions instead of lecturing, you show respect.
Here’s an example:
You: “I noticed you haven’t done your chores yet. That kind of delay makes me worried because I care about how our home runs.”
Tween or Teen: “You’re always telling me what to do!”
You: “I know that’s frustrating. I used to feel the same way. But I’m trying to help you prepare for adulting. You’ll be on your own one day. Let’s agree on how many chores you can manage each day. Does that feel fair?”
You can stay composed, honest, and still gain their voice in a workable solution.
5. Keep Talking, Even When They Pull Away
Tweens and teens tend to retreat inward or turn to friends. However, be certain: they still need you deeply. Family meals, visits, walks, or moments around the fire pit can help keep connections strong. Even if they seem uninterested, keep reaching out. Ask open-ended questions: “What was something interesting you did today?” Listen far more than you speak once you get them talking.
For example, if your grandchild spends a lot of time on their phone texting and interacting on social media, be curious rather than critical. Show interest by asking something like, “What are you watching? Why do you like that?” If they show an openness to interacting further, try to introduce some critical thinking: “That video shows only a small part of reality—what else do you think might be happening behind the scenes?”
6. Expect Them to Help and Contribute
In Cherokee culture, participation and community responsibility are highly valued. If you haven’t already, start with age-appropriate chores, such as feeding animals, preparing meals, and setting the table.
Ask for their advice in areas where they have skills and experience, such as using a phone. Let them teach you something they value, to create a sense of belonging and capability. In your community, at family gatherings, or during tribal ceremonies, invite them to participate in the events where they can learn by watching and helping.
7. Emphasize Emotional Wellness
Tweens and early teens often feel their emotions deeply and intensely. Their brains are navigating how to balance both reward-seeking and self-control systems, which can result in acting without considering the risks. When they act out, reassure them that their emotions are valid and that you are there to support them. This approach not only helps them learn how to self-regulate but also reassures them that you see them.
“I see you’re upset. It’s okay to feel that way. If you want to talk, I’m here.”
Naming emotions also helps them learn to self-regulate. Show them that calm is possible, even in strong emotions.
8. Support Identity and Culture
Your participation in your local tribal community is a powerful resource. Share stories of Cherokee ancestors, practice the language, and pass down traditional teachings. Use the rich history of family stories to guide rather than ordering them to do something. This enriches their understanding of their culture and instills a sense of pride and connection to their heritage.
9. Maintain an Inner Mantra
Imagine your grandchild or cousin storms into a room, slamming the door. Instead of thinking to yourself, “Oh, here comes the teenage drama,” tell yourself, “They’re trying to express frustration. I wonder what they need.” You could then say out loud, “I’m sorry, it seems like you are having a hard time. I’m listening when you’re ready.”
By choosing one or two inner mantras to help you reframe your outward behavior, you can respond with curiosity, rather than control or frustration. You can demonstrate to them the power of staying in control of their reactions.
Here are a couple of examples:
- “They’re growing, not fighting me.”
- “They’re having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.”
- “My grandchild needs language for his internal chaos.”
- “I am the anchor in the middle of their storm.”
Your Inner Perspective is Your Family’s Guidepost
As a caregiver raising family members’ children, your mindset is the anchor. You give them tools to become strong, responsible young adults rooted in their identity within your family and the larger Cherokee tradition when you can hold a steady, supportive mindset.
When you intentionally shift your perspective inward, from worry or judgment to wise, steady presence, it becomes a guidepost they can follow. From that position, you support healing, belonging, and identity. You are shaping not only their future, but the future of your community.