What is School Refusal?
Many kids will complain about headaches or stomach-aches to try and stay home from school and watch cartoons. You might have even faked a tummy ache as a child to spend the day at home! When a child is trying to avoid a one-time event like a test or a fight with a friend, the circumstances usually resolve quickly, and the child moves on with their regular school-day routines.
However, many kids experience deeper, more significant feelings of fear or anxiety about attending school and it’s crucial that caregivers understand the difference that comes with this more challenging experience.
Occasionally skipping school, cutting class, or faking illness to get a day off is often rooted in rebellion, disinterest in school, or even needing a break occasionally. “School refusal” is, however, rooted deeper emotional struggles and can happen no matter how hard you try to encourage this child to attend school consistently.
Many children who have experienced chaos, loss, or uncertainty may find it extra challenging to consistently attend school because of those experiences. For example, school can feel scary. Being in that building, or away from home, could remind them of times when they didn’t feel safe or when they did not have control over their environment.
What are the Signs of School Refusal?
While school refusal looks different for every child, there are common signs. Your grandchild may complain about headaches or stomach aches before school or even the night before. They may also refuse to leave home or try to hide from you or the other adults in the home. You may also see:
- Crying, tantrums, withdrawing or shutting down before school or at bedtime.
- Difficulty falling asleep on school nights, because of anxiety about the next day.
- Clinging to parents at drop-off or refusing to enter the school building.
These signs are also common to kids who struggle with feeling safe or securely attached to you or their other safe adults. These signs can also be their ‘go-to” responses to the traumatic experiences of their past. It’s crucial for you to be intentional in addressing both the emotional and practical parts of their refusal to attend school.
Strategies to Help Your Grandchild Overcome School Refusal
Supporting this child through school refusal is not about forcing them to go to school. Instead, they need a gentle approach that helps them work through their fears, while also making school attendance part of your household’s normal routine.
Here are some strategies that can help:
1. Create a Safe Environment
The most important thing is to make this child feel safe and understood. You start this by listening to their feelings without judging them, even if you don’t agree or understand what they are feeling. Try to keep daily routines steady and predictable so they know what to expect. And let them know they can always talk to you about their worries.
2. Work with the School
Talk to their teachers and counselors and create a plan to help this child feel more comfortable. Some ideas include:
Reintroduce them to the school routine with shorter school days.
Create a safe space at school for when they overwhelmed.
Buddy them up with a safe, friendly classmate who makes them feel more comfortable.
3. Understand the Deeper Feelings
School refusal often happens because of bigger emotional issues. Consider working with a therapist or counselor who can help them work through those feelings.
4. Focus on the Fun
With fear and anxiety swirling, this child may struggle to remember that school can also be fun. Help them see school as a positive place:
- Talk about fun things they do at school.
- Celebrate every win!
- Remind them of friends and activities they enjoy.
Hands-On Activities to Help This Child Overcome Their Worries
Hands-on activities with this child can be an excellent way to let your relative child know you are on their side and committed to helping them feel emotionally safe at school. These activities can build their resilience, nurture a connection between you, and help them feel a sense of control over their experience.
1. Create a Worry Box
A worry box can help children name their anxieties.
- What You Need: A small box, pieces of paper, and markers.
- Activity: Sit down and explain that they can write down or draw their worries and place them in the worry box. This helps to “put away” worries instead of carrying them all day.
- Follow-up: Open the box together to discuss any ongoing worries and talk through new strategies to manage them.
2. Emotion Thermometer
An emotion thermometer helps kids identify and express how they’re feeling.
- What You Need: A large piece of paper, markers, and sticky notes.
- Activity: Draw a thermometer with different levels, ranging from calm at the bottom to highly anxious at the top. Ask them to move a sticky note along the thermometer throughout the day to show how they are feeling.
- Follow-up: When they are feeling anxious, talk about ways to bring that feeling down, such as deep breathing, drawing, or talking through their fears.
3. Draw An Anxiety Iceberg
The anxiety iceberg shows them how outside behaviors are connected to their inside causes.
- What You Need: A large piece of paper and markers.
- Activity: Draw an iceberg-shaped figure on the paper with a water line about a third of the way down from the top. With the child, write or draw the behaviors you see at the top of the iceberg. Talk about what these behaviors may be hiding and list them under the water line.
- Follow-up: When this child can share a root cause, discuss positive ways of having their needs met instead (finding a trusted adult, taking a time out, or journaling, etc.).
4. Role-Playing
Kids can learn how to face their fears and cope with them safely by pretending and role-playing from different perspectives.
- What You Need: A quiet space, props (optional), and creativity!
- Activity: Take turns acting out different school situations. For example, you can pretend to be a teacher or classmate, and your nephew can practice how they might respond in situations that make them nervous.
- Follow-up: Encourage them to share how they felt during the role-play and talk through any difficult moments.
5. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques
Practicing mindfulness exercises together can teach your relative child to focus on the present moment, which helps reduce anxiety.
Try practicing these techniques together:
- Deep Breathing: Teach your child to take slow, deep breaths in through their nose and out through their mouth when they feel anxious.
- Body Scans: Guide your child through a body scan, where they focus on relaxing each part of their body, starting from their toes and moving upward.
- Mindful Observation: Sit outside or by a window and ask your child to quietly observe their surroundings. This practice shifts focus from internal anxiety to the external world.
Navigate School Refusal with Compassion
Helping your grandchild overcome school refusal requires compassion, structure, and understanding. Your relative child may have some unique emotional needs tied to their past, but with patience and consistent support, you can help them build confidence and resilience. Remember, helping this child overcome school refusal will take time and patience. Every small step is a big victory to be celebrated. By showing love, understanding, and support, you can help your child feel safer and more comfortable at school.
Resources for caregivers: