The tween and teen years can get a bad rap – folks assume an adolescent will be rebellious, acting out, or stuck behind a screen with a sullen look on their face. While sometimes those things are true, it’s also true that the teen years can be rich with rewarding relationships. When you are raising a tween or teen who has a history of trauma or loss, these practical tips can help you navigate these years and support this young person well.
Practical Tips for the Teen Years with a Relative Child Who Has Experienced Trauma
1. Hold on to your family’s traditions and rituals.
Even when this relative tween or teen sneers or rolls their eyes, keep up with the activities that tell them who your family is. For example, if you’ve always had a Friday night pizza night, let them invite a friend. If attending a faith service or tribal ritual that is vital to you and your partner, this young person must attend too, even if you are sure they will be grumpy and not get much out of it.
2. Be present but not too present!
When this young person is acting out or really stewing about something, you likely know it. Make your presence known by popping into their room with a good book you just finished or a plate of cookies while they study. Invite them to watch that TV show you both like. Keep your office or bedroom door open and invite them in for a check-in. When you are relaxing on the couch, offer them a back scratch. They might accept help braiding their hair.
The goal is to communicate that you are there without making any demands on them. Find ways to say you enjoy being with them and are willing to be there for them without saying it out loud.
3. Be consistent and firm with your boundaries.
The natural development of tweens and teens is to test, push, and pull back against authority and boundaries. It’s exhausting but remember that they rely on you to hold the ship steady even if the waters of their life feel choppy.
So, what are your non-negotiable core values when raising these kids? For example, you should maintain your expectations for respect, kindness, and participation in your family’s routines. Yes, you will get pushback. But they also need the consistency of your firm guidelines as they cope with the changes of puberty and learn how to become an adult.
4. Be flexible where you can!
While you hold your core expectations steady, consider where you can be flexible and work things out with your teen. For example, change from a blanket curfew for all activities to a flexible approach. Talk about each activity, what is reasonable for both of you to expect, and set a time to be home. Give them room to prove they can handle that flexibility and approach it as an opportunity to build trust. You can even sneak in some negotiation skill-building practice by engaging in some back-and-forth to arrive at a reasonable solution.
5. Talk openly about their life experiences.
This young person must understand what they’ve lived through, how it might impact their developing brain, and how they can support themselves to overcome those impacts healthily.
Of course, you should have a good understanding of trauma and how it impacts a child’s development, too. It will help them to talk about their specific experiences, including their emotions when it happened, what they may feel now, and how to label and manage them. Work with them to create some coping skills. Sometimes, this young person may appreciate a private signal between you to let you know they need your help, like when their emotions get too big or a triggering event happens.
6. Know that it’s okay NOT to talk!
Sometimes, tweens and teens prefer not to talk about the hard things they are processing. That’s okay too. If you wonder whether they want to speak, try tossing out a “conversational softball.” Let it go for now if they don’t engage or toss that “softball” back to you. Make a note to circle back with some “I noticed the other day” or other observational cues to let them lead if they wish.
7. Surround them with other safe adults.
It’s okay if you are not the only adult this child relies on for a safe space to process life. Help them identify other adults in their lives who can be trusted to give good counsel and support. That could be a cousin, an auntie, a faith leader, or a guidance counselor. They must know they are surrounded by safe, loving people who root for them to succeed.
8. Consider therapy.
Please find out how your relative child feels about therapy or counseling to help them process what they’ve experienced. They might be more open to it than you assume – it’s not uncommon for their peers to be in therapy.
Learning tools to cope with the experiences that led to them living in your home may be best supported in the safe counseling space. You can normalize the therapy experience by helping them find someone who has experience in treating youth with trauma and even offering to attend with them as recommended by the counselor. Your school guidance counselor or local social worker can offer recommendations.
9. Model self-care.
A young adult impacted by prenatal substance exposure or by neglect or loss may struggle to express what they want or need to help them feel refreshed and regulated. They might not understand why they need self-care. You can show them examples of healthy self-care by how you take care of yourself.
Tell them why you schedule regular date nights with your spouse or partner. Talk about why you end the day with quiet music and a good book. Invite them to join you for a yoga session or walk with you when you feel restless and stressed. Try creative ways to show them examples of healthy relationships, including your relationship with yourself.