You may hear from your grandchild’s teacher or your nephew’s pediatrician about their “executive function skills,” you might wonder, “What exactly does that mean?”
Executive function is the set of neurological processes that helps us organize and supervise our thoughts and efforts to reach a goal. These skills include impulse control, working memory, flexibility, coordinating various things at once, and more. These skills are vital to success both at school and at home. Developing executive function skills is a long process for all kids, and you should remember this as you seek additional ways to support your relative child.
Teaching and Supporting Executive Function Skills
Tip #1: Learn and adjust.
Educate yourself – and keep educating yourself! You can access more information on this site. You may also want to contact your relative child’s school psychologist or guidance counselor for recommendations to help you learn. They can also do an educational evaluation to determine areas of need related to their school experience.
Many families also seek professional advice outside the school system for a broader view of their child’s strengths and struggles. Gathering a team around this child that includes psychologists, teachers, speech and language pathologists, and occupational therapists can be helpful. They can help you plan the necessary assessments or diagnoses your child might need.
Once you have a clearer picture of this child’s challenges, remember that every child grows differently within normal ranges. You can adjust your expectations according to this child’s history of prenatal substance exposure, exposure to loss or neglect, and other needs. Ultimately, you want to help this child take what they can already do to the next step. For whatever time they are in your home, you aim to help them build a chain of behaviors that will set them up for success.
Tip #2: Teach skills clearly and relevant to the need.
When helping a child develop a skill, keep instruction concrete and relevant to the need for that skill. For example, rather than signing a teen nephew up for “study skills” classes on Saturdays, work together on specific study skills for schoolwork during the week. Choose one or two skills at a time to focus on. Tackle them in small degrees with words aimed at that assignment.
Rather than generally telling them what to do, help them with a specific task when they need you. For example, avoid saying, “You really need to organize your binder.” Instead, help your granddaughter at the start of a new marking period by saying, “Hey, can I show you some organizational skills to help you stay on track with this class and make your binder work for you?”
When your relative child accomplishes a specific task, offer frequent praise to reinforce your belief in their ability. Doing so will motivate them to apply their skills to other situations.
Tip #3: Find what motivates them!
Offer this child a voice and some choice about what motivates them to work on executive function skills. Each child has a unique motivator, and you can put together some ideas to reward their hard work, such as a special snack, a game with Grandma, or a later bedtime. Tweens and teens will benefit from different rewards, such as movie nights, extra time with friends, or additional phone time. If their suggestions are workable and you can agree with them, consider what to put in place to motivate them.
Follow this child’s efforts to learn and build executive function skills with something they enjoy. That pleasant sense of accomplishment releases the dopamine hormone, which helps re-wire their brains for more success in building executive function skills.
Remember: what they view as a reward will change as they age. While you have them in your home, be willing to flex to meet their interests and needs for rewards. Please also take care to never use punishment when a behavior comes from a lack of skills. Improving behavior best happens when you follow positive change with praise.
Tip #4: Provide templates and structure.
Give this young person practical tools to organize the tasks and information they must know. Keeping similar tasks moving on similar timelines and using similar words will build layers into their memory. You want to provide repeated exposure to the information they must be responsible for. Try to do it the same way each time to build recognition and familiarity.
You can help them determine how to reach their end goal by breaking down tasks into smaller steps. Initially, you will likely have to do this for them by sharing your thought process aloud. So, you might both ask and answer questions such as “What should the end product of this assignment look like?” then “What tasks will that require?” and “How long will each step take?”
Consider keeping it concrete by writing it down in lists. When you also put it in writing, they can see, feel, and hear it, which layers the learning.
As they become familiar with the questions you pose to start breaking down the big job, they will also start asking themselves the questions.
For long-term goals or project assignments at school with long deadlines, try this:
- Fold a piece of paper into thirds and create columns for these tasks: To Do, In Process, and Done.
- Teach your grandchild to write the lists in pencil with space between each task on the list.
- Each time the child accomplishes a task, revisit the list together. Check to see if anything is missing. Have the child move the completed task to the appropriate column until all the tasks are finished.
Teach them to use planners, organizers, checklists, and calendars. Technology can provide additional templates and structure. Look at tools like Google Calendars, or apps like Todoist and Remember the Milk.
Every time this young person faces a new task they need a new “template” to layer their thoughts and actions. Simplifying the process down to these structured templates helps them organize their thoughts. Eventually, you will see them transfer those organizational skills to other tasks that may not be “paper and pencil” functions.
Tip #5: Offer or create tools for transitions.
Your relative child may have trouble shifting gears from one activity to another. Older kids might show this challenge in getting out of one mindset and into another. Build a bridge between activities by focusing on the transition time.
For example, instead of abruptly telling them to stop what they’re doing, offer some warning that a change is coming. Focus their attention on the transition by providing something positive on the other side:
“We must leave in five minutes. After you get ready, you can grab a special snack to take in the car.” Then, set a timer or have them set it to alert you both to the time to stop one activity and move to the next. When you’re met with resistance, calmly and compassionately notice their frustration by siding with them, “I know! I don’t want to go either, but we must.”
Tip #6: Support memory challenges.
Most adults keep a mental sticky note for storing crucial information. It’s not failproof, but it usually gets the job done. However, consider this: kids who have been exposed to alcohol or drugs during pregnancy or who have experienced trauma have much smaller mental notepads. And everything is written in disappearing ink!
You can support the gaps in their memory or the delayed memory skills by making their lists external and concrete. Have them write things down. Whether it’s information for what to do when they return home from school or the steps to cleaning their room, writing what they hear and know will layer the information they need to retain. Keep your instructions simple and direct, using just a few words to convey the message.
Involving their other senses will make the information stand out in their minds and be easier to memorize. Help them find a rhyme, song, or dance for things they must learn. One simple way to do this is to take a familiar tune, such as “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” and change the words into the information they must remember. And if that’s not your jam, check out YouTube or Pinterest for ideas to support memorization skills.
Tip #7: Manage impulse control.
This is another area where your kinship child will benefit from clear, straightforward, positive instructions. Tell your child or youth what you want them to do rather than what not to do. Rather than saying, “Don’t touch that!” in the store, you could say, “I need you to put your hands in your pockets while I shop.”
It’s crucial to reward your grandchild when you observe them overcoming impulsive behavior or actions, such as a simple thumbs up or “good job.” Your reward should be more compelling than their impulse to do something, so it might take some trial and error to figure out what works with this child. Tweens and teens can voice what works to reward them, such as extending gaming, phone, or driving time.
Create a plan for times of the day you can be challenging, or activities that might cause them to struggle. Typically, kids struggle sitting in a waiting room for an appointment, through a quiet church service, or long car rides. Activities like shopping, unsupervised time after school, or riding their bike to the park can also be problematic. Talk through your expectations in advance. Brainstorm alternatives to manage impulses that could be troublesome. Offer a reward for successful behavior.
Learning how to support a child who struggles with executive function skills can be challenging. When you educate yourself, practice these tips with them, and maintain consistency, you can help this child build the skills they need to succeed and thrive.