Occasionally, it’s good for your mental and emotional health to pause and consider what you are doing and why it matters. Kinship caregivers play a unique and vital role in a child’s healing and overall well-being. Do you stop to think about why and how to be sure you can keep doing it?
The Impact You Are Making
Whether you’ve adopted your grandchild or are caring for your nephew while his parents get back on their feet, the work you do to raise this child is essential. When they cannot safely live with Mom or Dad, they can still heal and learn to thrive under your care. Giving them a safe, loving, nurturing place to be a child again is a necessary foundation for this child’s future success. In fact, there are several key areas where your care rebuilds or strengthens the foundation of this child’s well-being.
The Child’s Mental Health
Kids who live through chaotic experiences like neglect, abuse, or a parent with a substance abuse disorder experience increased struggles with anxiety and depression. They struggle with behavior challenges and academic performance. Research shows that kids who come to live with relatives when it’s not safe to live at home will have reduced levels of stress, anxiety, and fear. They can lower their guard and be open to learning in school. Their brains and bodies find the space to catch up on typical childhood skills. They can learn (or re-learn) how to trust a caregiver.
You can reduce the toll of previous chaos, confusion, and unpredictability by welcoming this child into your safe, loving home. Adding structure, nurture, and consistency gives their hypervigilance and survival responses a break. Their brain can work on other skills and experience what childhood growth should be. The safe space of your home helps them be free to learn resilience, problem-solving skills, and other executive function skills that set them up for success.
Their Emotional Health
Closely tied to mental health, a child’s emotional health suffers when they are surrounded by chaos and unpredictability. They learn to protect themselves and fear connection with caregivers because the responses they get are inconsistent, abusive, or dismissive. Your grandchild’s unhealthy environments and relationships with their parents may have caused delays in their ability to manage stress and cope with internal discomfort. These delays may show up in challenging behaviors. Research tells us that an abusive and neglectful home life can cause a child to feel helpless, out of control, ashamed, or powerless to grow and change.
We also know that kids tend to make adult behaviors and choices about them. When Mom or Dad acts in scary or unpredictable ways, the child assumes it was something they did. We understand that adults make unhealthy decisions, which isn’t the child’s fault. But your grandchild or nephew may understand it differently. As a result, their view of self is harmed. Low self-esteem, self-loathing, or self-blame are common in kids who grow up in situations like what led this child to your home.
The children in your home need to know they are loved unconditionally and accepted for who they are. Your tender care, consistent responses, and gentle guidance can open their hearts to healing. They can learn to see themselves and their family circumstances differently. When you show these children how you see them, it will help them see themselves as precious and cherished. Over time, they can rework their view of themselves and rebuild the foundation of a healthy identity.
Improving Their Behavior Challenges
A child who struggles to understand who they are, how they fit into this confusing story of their life, and who is safe to trust may behave in some baffling ways. They may act out at home or school because they have unmet inner needs and no tools to discuss them. They may still need to gain the verbal skills to express themselves because of their young age or delayed skills. Or, they may have underlying fear and stress about how to say what they need. They might need more safe experiences with you to know there are healthier ways to get their needs met.
When you offer this child repeated, predictable, safe responses to challenging behaviors, you are helping re-wire their brains for trust. When you address their unmet or unspoken needs, you tell them you see and hear them. You might feel frustrated that their teachers or coaches don’t understand why they act out this way. But we promise that when this child hears you advocating for them at school, church, or soccer practice, they get the message, “I matter to Grandma.” They will learn to trust you to meet their needs. And those challenging behaviors can be re-directed, unlearned, and even reduced.
Protecting Your Health to Keep Up the Demands of Raising This Child
You can significantly impact these (and many other) areas of this child’s healing. However, making these impacts hinges on caring for yourself and your mental health. The mental and emotional demands of raising a child – especially if it is unexpected – can be enormous. You deserve to be as healthy as possible to keep carrying out this task. And the child you are raising deserves it, too.
Access mental health support
It is complex, confusing, and difficult to find mental health support that suits your family’s needs. We get it! Therapists have long wait lists and limited hours. Figuring out co-pays and billing through insurance can be a nightmare. Private pay is expensive. We don’t have a magic bullet for solving these issues, but we have a few suggestions that may help.
Kinship care outside of the state foster system:
Many kinship caregiver situations occur outside of the formal US child welfare system, so know that you are not alone! However, you may have to work harder to set yourself up with a network of support that builds up your mental and emotional health. Weathering the tough times as a kinship family can be a lonely experience, so protect your mental and emotional health by trying some of these suggestions:
- Contact your tribal child welfare office for a clear understanding of the support and resource options in your tribal community.
- If you have health insurance, contact the patient advocate to guide you through finding local mental health resources that are in-network. Interview a few to find a good fit. Count those appointments as self-care!
Finding support within the foster system:
Kinship caregivers raising kids within the foster care system should have access to the same mental health support that foster families do. Contact your case worker for therapy, respite care, learning opportunities, and support groups.
You can also contact other local foster care agencies and foster parent groups for a calendar of their sponsored events, parent groups, and continuing education.
Consider asking your caseworker or agency for recommendations of resources provided by others in your region. They often have a network of other reputable organizations they can suggest.
Support from the school system
Many school districts have social workers, guidance counselors, and Student Assistance Program counselors who keep family resource lists. You can contact them for parent groups, webinars, book lists, and other opportunities to build your skills and increase your confidence in your work to help this child heal.
Some schools even host special education or kinship-specific events to support their districts’ growing community of kinship care providers. Gathering with other kinship caregivers in your district can stave off isolation and loneliness – being with others who “get it” is crucial to navigating this path.
General Health Care Tips for all Kinship Caregivers
- Consider therapy or counseling for this child. If your insurance plan does not cover them, consider what coverage they have or need.
- Create a network of safe, reliable caregivers for your grandchild. Schedule babysitting regularly and work up to occasional overnight trips. Your brain and your body need a break.
- Join an online or in-person supportive community.
- Keep your body active and moving. Exercise, yoga, dance classes, or whatever keeps you fit and active will yield excellent benefits for your mental health.
- Connect with one or two other grandparents or aunts raising a relative’s child in your community, church, school district, etc. Meet for lunch or coffee every month.
- Find a therapist or counselor with experience in kinship family dynamics or families of people with substance abuse disorders.
- Engage in regular, nourishing self-care daily, weekly, and monthly. Even 15 minutes a day of some activity you love can restore balance and calm your mental status.
Take Care of Yourself to Take Care of This Child
Paying attention to your mental and emotional well-being while raising this child is crucial to being present and meeting this child’s needs. We say it often, but intentional self-care is vital to your family. Finding and implementing appropriate support and services around you is practical self-care! Your role in this child’s life cannot be understated, and you deserve the best support and care you can put together.