If you are parenting a relative’s child, they may have experienced hard times. It’s crucial to have tools to help us heal our children’s hearts and brains from the challenges they have experienced. The goal is to prepare them to face other challenges as they grow. Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from hard times. There are things you can do to help this child thrive, or grow with success, throughout their life.
7 Traits of Kids Who Thrive
In her book Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine, Dr. Michele Borba identifies seven traits of children who thrive. Here are those traits, with practical ideas for how to teach them to your grandchild (or cousin or nephew).
1. Self-confidence
After you have developed a feeling of trust, safety, and security with your grandchild, find where they shine. Take some time to watch them and discover their strengths, such as sports, music, art, reading, or being good with animals. Nurture those strengths by telling them what you see in them. Help them find a club related to their strengths they could join. And praise them for their effort, not just the outcome, to build their self-confidence.
For example, you could have a family “hobby day” where everyone takes a turn demonstrating their special skills. This could be done in person, or even using FaceTime or zoom. Make sure each participant gets a hearty round of applause after they present their skills.
2. Empathy
Help this child be aware of how others feel. Teach them to greet others kindly, encourage people they are with, and make eye contact with people they meet. Try role-playing with them if they seem to feel uncomfortable. Keep encouraging them to connect with people and identify with others’ emotions.
These skills have become especially important since the pandemic kept many of our kids out of normal social situations. Many of their peers (and adults) rely almost exclusively on their phones to communicate.
3. Self-control
Teaching the trait of self-control will help this child to navigate life. Try these three methods of teaching self-control to get started:
Positive self-talk:
Teach your grandchild to use an inner positive mantra when they feel stressed, such as “relax,” “chill,” or “I got this.” Practice other coping tools too, such as deep breathing, and relaxation techniques. You could help them choose a mindfulness app to use on their cell phone if they have one. Click here to watch the “resiliency building tools” by “Resources for Resilience,” including their rapid reset tools. Practice these techniques repeatedly.
Nourishing sleep habits:
Good sleep patterns can also combat the effects of stress, which often makes self-control more challenging. Make sure your child gets enough sleep. Elementary-age kids need 9-12 hours of sleep per night. Teens need about 8-10 hours.
Adequate play time:
Play time or downtime, with a group, a friend, or taking a walk alone, is another good way for kids to decompress. Make sure their schedule is open enough to allow time to play or relax. You can click here to read more about strategies that help teens manage stress and stay healthy.
4. Integrity
Be intentional about what you teach this child. Help them build a strong moral code that will guide their decisions in challenging situations. Talk about your values and beliefs and how to live them. Define integrity together and check in with them about “walking what you talk.” Think of the “long view” — who do you want this child to be in 20 years? Repeatedly model what you want them to become.
5. Curiosity
People with a sense of curiosity and wonder are usually more open-minded. It’s okay to allow your child to fail. Let them know it’s not the end of the world. Instead, encourage this child to be curious about their failures. Help them brainstorm possible solutions to the problem they are facing. Then help them choose the best solution and use what they learned to set goals for themselves.
6. Perseverance
There is a Japanese saying: “fall down 7 times, get up 8.” This child needs your unconditional love and support no matter what happens. Perseverance is not about the outcome, but about the process on the way to that end result. Be sure to praise their efforts, especially when times are tough. You can reassure them with loving words and your physical presence. Let them know they are safe, you are with them, and you love them. Be their Number 1 cheerleader!
7. Optimism
Optimism is the tendency of a person to look on the bright side and believe that good things will happen. This can be challenging for a child who has experienced trauma or neglect. Start conversations about the good around you. They will learn to look for it when they see you modeling optimism in your words and actions. Try to monitor what this child watches and reads, since there is plenty of pessimism in today’s media.
Perhaps nightly dinnertime discussions can include everyone sharing “something good that happened today.” Try to find inspirational stories and share them at dinner or before bedtime. Stories like these can help this child believe that they too can make a difference.
Resilience is Developed Over Time
As your niece, nephew, or grandchild grows more confident in their ability to “bounce back” from difficult times, don’t stop using these tools! Continue praising their efforts and successes. Thrivers are made, not born! Your unconditional love is a key to their resilience. You can be part of building the confidence that helps them feel safe to take chances. They will learn how to adapt to change and face new circumstances with the knowledge that in the long run, all will be okay.
Want to learn more about resilience?
- Check out Dr. Borba’s book Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.
- Dr. Ken Ginsburg works with homeless teens who have experienced challenging lives and is the author of Raising Kids to Thrive. You can listen to an interview with him about building resilience here.