It is painful to consider that your grandchild (niece, cousin, or friend) was sexually abused. You might fear the path ahead and worry if they will ever overcome the pain and stigma of the abuse. The good news is that kids can and do heal from this type of abuse if they have the support of their caregivers. The following are ways you can help.
3 Ways to Help a Child Heal from Sexual Abuse
Many caregivers wonder if they have what it takes to help a child heal. According to Dr. Jennifer Shaw of the Gil Institute for Trauma Recovery, there are three things children need from their caregivers to help them heal.
1: Be Willing to Learn
Educating yourself on sexual abuse and its impacts on the child can be hard on your heart. However, your willingness to learn is crucial to understanding the child, their needs, and behaviors that come from the abuse. Here are three ways to learn more about sexual abuse:
1. Seek reliable resources.
Reliable research can help you understand the symptoms of sexual abuse. It can also help break down myths you might believe about abuse, victims, perpetrators, and the healing potential. When you replace those myths with facts, you can learn more about the path to recovery. There are a few reputable resources that will help you start:
- CreatingaFamily.org – Resource page on Helping a Child Heal from Sexual Abuse, book list on Understanding Sexual Abuse, and podcast, Helping Children Heal from Sexual Abuse
- Child Welfare Information Gateway – a downloadable resource called “Parenting a Child or Youth Who Has Been Sexually Abused: A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents”
- The National Child Trauma Stress Network – Resource page on Sexual Abuse
2. Understand what’s “normal”.
Learning what behaviors and developmental milestones are typical for this child’s age is helpful. Some resources that might help include:
- Ages and Stages: A Parent’s Guide to Normal Childhood Development– by Charles E. Schaefer, Theresa Foy DiGeronimo
- Sexual Development and Behavior in Children– National Child Traumatic Stress Network
It’s sometimes hard to know what behaviors are a part of normal childhood development and what might be caused by their past abuse. A pediatrician or school counselor can help you tell the difference.
3. Talk to the professionals.
If you are caring for this child within the foster system, talk to the child’s caseworker for resources to help you learn about trauma and the options for sexual abuse treatment. If the child is not in foster care, talk with your local doctors, school counselors, or clergy for suggestions of providers specializing in sexual abuse treatment.
2: Be an Anchor
Sexually abused kids need safe adults to be their anchors. You are off to a good start by offering your home and providing predictability, structure, and consistency.
This child also needs to know that you are a safe person who can hear and handle their emotional pain. They need to understand that their internal chaos will not scare you. Dr. Shaw calls this being a “confident caregiver.” Your job is to respond to their challenging information and behavior with the message: “I’ve got you. I’m with you in this.”
When a caregiver responds to a child’s disclosure of sexual abuse with shock, dismay, or anxiety, the child feels like their story is too big, scary, or shameful for sharing. Saying, “we can handle this,” tells the child that recovery is possible and none of this is her fault.
3: Be an Ally
Every child needs an ally – someone with an unshakeable belief in them, their character, and their potential. No child needs it more than this child who has suffered sexual abuse.
1. An Ally Believes Healing Can Happen
Once you learn about sexual abuse, its impacts, and treatment options, you will understand that healing can and does happen. Being an ally for this child means you need to dig deep and believe that healing is possible. You might need to connect emotionally or spiritually to what you learn. Or, the research on sexual abuse might help you consider healing a logical conclusion. It might be a combination of these or other things. It doesn’t matter much why you believe in the hope of healing. It matters that you believe it is possible. That is the ally this child needs.
Think about how to translate your belief in healing into action. How can you act like you believe your grandchild (or nephew or cousin) will heal? Practice parenting habits that lead you and this child to wholeness, like involvement in a faith or tribal community. Participate together in your tribe’s traditions, especially healing traditions. Speak out loud about what healing looks like for this child. Please talk about the big dreams they can achieve. Be hopeful for their bright future.
2. An Ally Believes the Child
When this child feels safe enough to act out in your home, believe that their actions come from deep pain. When they bravely disclose their sexual abuse, believe their words. It will be challenging and even painful. It is especially painful if the abuse was done by a family member or if a family member’s negligence allowed the abuse to happen. But remember, this child trusts you enough to share their pain and shame. They are asking you to carry this weight with them. Believe them when they tell you. Believe what they tell you. Trust that telling you is a huge step toward healing.
3. An Ally Does the Hard Work
Like educating yourself on sexual abuse and its impacts, being an ally for this child means hard work. Think about issues in your history that could impact your ability to believe in this child and support their healing. Resolve what you can about your past so you are not an obstacle to the child’s path forward. Counseling can help you in this process. Self-work is worth the time to help you cope and to learn the skills you need.
You Can Be Who This Child Needs to Heal from Sexual Abuse
There’s no way around it. When you step up for a child who has experienced sexual abuse, you must prepare yourself. If you are willing to learn, be an anchor, and be that child’s ally, you can be exactly who this child needs to pursue healing.